The Barkers 2020

Colin Russell Barker
Age 4
Birthday March

He is a hilarious human, I have never meet a child that sensed when they entertain others and purposely try to do so by such a young age as he is. He LOVES Ryan's World on youtube and I'll find him sneaking my phone so he can watch him. I love that he is a lover of adventures, whenever I tell him that we're going to go somewhere he usually shouts for joy and heads straight for the car. If I take him to the park I usually end up chasing him around playing tag the entire time. He loves being chased! Colin also is the child that I see myself the most in. I can't lie he has sudden emotions, they come quickly and strongly. When he's mad, he is MAD, when he is sad, he is SAD. The hardest thing has been teaching him that he's not a bad boy for feeling these emotions but it isn't good to say bad words, or hit things or people. I have found myself many times on my knees in prayer trying to gain insights into how I can help him be HIM, in the best way possible. I really really have a soft tender spot for him in my heart and truly want the best for him. I hope that I can teach him how to love himself, and just try to please Heavenly Father in how he lives his life.

Kylie Gabriella Barker
Age 6
Birthday July

She is the most tender sweetest girl. Kylie is always found making crafts for other people, helping me clean up, regularly makes her bed for me in the mornings. She never leaves her room a mess and naturally cleans is all up whenever she's done playing in it. Just today she asked me for a jar so she could make it her "tithing" jar for our church we attend. We are members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, and she LOVES Jesus and Heavenly Father. I find her saying prayers, singing church hymns, and requesting we read scriptures at night together as a family. Her favorite color is still yellow, and oddly she loves pickles and asked for a jar in her Christmas stocking. She honestly has been a very well behaved child, and excels in school. She already reads chapter books, and finished Charlotte's web a couple of months ago all by herself.

Russell Nye Barker
Age 30
Birthday April

Russell is killing it at his job at Global Sim, Inc. He gets to do customer support, IT, and engineering things (shows you how much I know). A lot of you know that with his job he literally travels all over the world. Last year saw him in Puerto Rico, Japan, Italy, Belgium, Canada, California, Georgia, Argentina, Thailand (with me), and a lot of other places I've probably forgotten. Italy was probably the hardest trip for me personally because its my dream destination and he got called away that day to fly out, he was sending me videos of him eating Gelato in Venice, and I was knee deep in 2 quarreling siblings.... let's say I had to say a prayer to ask to not feel SUCH jealousy in my heart haha. I am thankful that he does get lots of airplane miles, and hotel points :) I see you London, I will get back to you :)

ME
Age 30
Birthday March

I have been making leaps and bounds in being my happiest self. I have made a lot of revelations about myself, my life, and habits that are helping me feel my best. My best friend is doing a health challenge for January and every single day I've been working out 30 minutes. We also were challenged to drink 64 ounces of water a day, and that's been huge for me. I LIVED on diet coke, especially during my eating disorder. This month I've been completely caffeine free, and drinking MOSTLY water all day (this is HUGE for me). I was warned against diet coke in recovery because it curbs hunger and makes you want to skip meals and snacks... so that's been helping me to stay focused on nourishing myself with real food. I still have hard days, but life savers for me have been chewy caramels, protein bars, and dried mangos from costco that I can eat on the go so I'm not thinking about it too much. I just feel like I'm really improving my health even more.

My Struggle and My Journey

Hi everyone, or whoever that actually reads blogs anymore. It's been a hot minute since I have written anything here on this blog. I decided it was high time that I write a post.

I am a 29 year old mom of two beautiful wonderful children, and I have the best husband in the world for me. I have been so blessed to have the family and the life that I have. But I have been struggling you all. Let me just tell you the journey that I've been on for the past year or so. I used to NEVER compare my body to any other girl on the playground in elementary school. I was a day dreamer my friends. I spent most of my recesses make believing scenarios in my head, daydreaming about the movies that I was going to star in. I didn't give a second thought to my body. Then I entered high school, gained a bunch of weight and all of a sudden I felt TERRIBLY insecure. I created this ideal in my head that I had a chubby body that was going to require me to diet, and workout for a long time. I was not thankful for my body. I despised it, and was frustrated for every pound that I carried.

When I was close to the spirit, when I was living up in college with amazing woman, traveling the streets of China, and meeting and marrying my husband I was not dieting and the weight naturally came off. But then I had 2 babies, was isolated, slightly depressed that I started to control something that I thought that I could control, my body, my weight. I was too afraid to say that I was lonely, I felt invisible, I felt like Amber was gone and now I was just another "mom" of the throngs of beautiful Utah moms out there. Social media painted images after image of what I was supposed to aspire to be. If only I was as skinny as that mom I would think, then I'd feel better. So I downloaded the calorie counting apps, I got that gym pass, and I went all in! I wanted to follow this image of what I should look like. That I needed to change something about the way I look in order to be happy. That something outside of myself would make me happy. One of the greatest lies the world tells woman. I was following a broken world to make myself whole. I didn't understand or see that I was in it bad. I didn't know that I was sinking further and further into a full blown eating disorder.

I am guilty of idolatry ya'all. My idol you ask? Well it was being skinny and the praise that would come from that. I was so sure that would validate me as a person. I kept on dieting, not able to see that I was losing weight. I was sure there was still fat to be shed. More and more foods were added to my "don't eat that" list, and fewer were safe to eat anymore. When I realized my hair was falling out, my period was gone, my moods were up and down, and I literally was becoming brain damaged (your body eats away your brain FIRST when it's starving) that I HAD to humble myself to the reality that I had lost touch of reality.

A few months ago I checked myself into a hospital inpatient treatment center for anorexia nervosa. When I arrived I was placed in a wheelchair for 2 days to let my heart rest. My heart rate was so slow they feared it would just stop, and because of that worry I was placed on a heart monitor the entire 3 weeks that I was there. You know what's the crazy part of all this, even when I was sitting there in a treatment center I would see another girl come in, much skinnier then me (in my head) and I would think that I was fine. That's when it hit me, that I would NEVER believe I was skinny enough. That there was never going to be a finish line. Satan would have me keep going until I would literally have heart failure and die. And all for what? To be called "skinny"????? Like I said earlier I was searching for a BROKEN world to make me feel whole. I was lost and confused ya all.

Since I have been home it's been the hardest thing to IGNORE all the diet talk, all the messages about being "BAD" for eating certain foods. I have had to tell myself that, that girl may miss a meal but I CAN'T. I have to eat even when the voices are screaming in my ear that I'm getting chubby again. I have to stop comparing my body to the other woman around me. I have to take "skinny" off of my altar of worship and put Christ back!

I just hope that if you are reading this, and if you are worried about your body size, to know that it's not worth it. The sheer mental energy, the insecurity, is not worth a second of your time! I have been small..... I have been larger.... and I can say in FULL sincerity that I felt BEST when I was average. When I wasn't thinking about my body at all, but about my LIFE! I didn't feel deprived and isolated, I felt involved and energetic. I want that back! I want to be vibrant and happy and I DO NOT want to promote the image of skinniness to any woman around me. I want woman to be themselves in the unique individualized bodies that they have came in! NO body is the same, no size is the same. You know what was my biggest hangup, my belly, I constantly focused on that, and my desire for it to be flat. Well folks, I got under 95 pounds and I still had a belly! Satan knew that the bond structure and where my organs are placed within that structure that it would always appear I have a little pooch! If I hyper focused on that post babies he knew he could keep me dieting, restricting to the grave.

If you find yourself with constant thoughts of comparison, of the need to change the body that you came in tell SATAN to go to HELL!!!!! Do not believe that being smaller is an accomplishment. Do not believe that you are just a body image. You are amazing and wonderful and this is your life girlfriend. This is your ONE life, and you do not want to WASTE it by denying yourself, restricting, beating yourself up every single day because you're not adhering to some fake altered social media driven ideal of beauty!! You are wonderfully made. I am wonderfully made and I deserve to eat, and to eat whatever foods my body desires. :) I hope something in here as touched you or motivated you!

My list

Today, the only thing I want to own up to is that I know… I KNOW… I’m loved. You see, it’s easy for me to try my best to encourage you when I’m living with my own encourager. He makes our marriage easier on me every day, makes me feel secure, makes me feel appreciated. So, today, I’ve decided to write a list. Not a grocery list or a “to do” list, but a list of little ways I know I am loved.

Here’s my list.

1. That time my feet and hands were beyond freezing and he immediately placed them onto himself to warm me up. Even offered to get me an extra blanket. 
2. When he stopped dead in his tracks and told me he thought I was stunning that day... and that was a day I didn't feel stunning. 
3. He gets excited with me and helps me with things I’m excited for, even when I think they are silly. Like decorating the house. (Pinterest comes in handy for us to scheme and plot)
4. He pulls me close to dance with me in the kitchen, in front of our kids, because I love dancing.
5. He buys me diet cokes whenever I'm craving them which is always haha. 
6. He always reaches out to touch me, my hand, my leg, or even just my back. 
7. He sends me silly texts even when I know he's insanely busy. 

September

Things to look forward to in September:

- The changing of the leaves

-Cooler temperatures even though I'm slightly dreading this because I already have to wear jackets all the time

-Hot cocoa 

- Taking my babies up to the canyon 

-Russell being back in school studying what he loves

-The beginnings of the holidays

Things to work on: 

-Spending more time in God's word. 

- Being friendlier, especially when I'm running errands with the kids. For me when I'm trying to keep Kylie in my eyesight, carrying Colin I worry I don't come off the friendliest to passerby's.

- Maybe taking more baths with actual candles. 

- My moodiness and yes irritability that always comes up on me suddenly and unawares.

Things to let go of:

- Shame, feeling it or letting others shame me.

- Negativity

- Anxiety

- Worrying so much about what others think or their opinions of me

What I Wish I'd known about being a MAMA

Today I wanted to begin this post by sharing 8 things that I wish I'd known before being a bona fide mama. I truly was not that girl that envisioned myself surrounded by little humans that were all mine. Honestly, when I was younger I was busy daydreaming about being in movies, and traveling the world. I had babysat on two separate occasions, never held a newborn until my very own child was placed in my arms, so yeah I went into motherhood pretty clueless to say the least. I had silly expectations from hearing mothers talk about raising their children, watching my own parents, and friends parents. But I can tell you right when I think I have something figured out these kids throw me through a loop. 

So pre kids Amber, here's what I wish you'd known...

1) Having children will make you more compassionate for all living things: Having a sweet little toddler constantly pointing out all the living creatures around you just makes you more aware of life in all it's forms. Anywhere we go now I can't help but notice the butterfly, snail, chipmunk, baby ducks that pass us. 

2) Remember that parent you judged?  You will be "that parent:" I can't lie and say that I didn't see some parents doing something in public and thinking, oh I'll never do that, or I'll never allow my child to do that.... well I have and I will hahaha. You never know exactly what someone is going through that day, their child, their circumstances, their mental health, or lack of sleep. I have just learned that being a parent is hard and we all just need a good ole fist pump action when we see each other in the trenches battling it out. 

3) Get used to being tired: Love a newborn baby, their sweetness, their essence but can I just say that the sleep deprivation that comes with said newborn is the worst thing in the world! Seriously it's the main thing I fear about having another child. So I'd tell myself just get used to the fact you'll always be on some level of tired. 

4) Consistency and a schedule is everything: Having routines which guide your life will make parenting so much easier, especially those long days where the hubby is gone. But consistency reallllly matters with discipline.  Get your warning system and your go-to consequences figured out and stick to them. Also, when you say, "1.... 2..... " you better say, "3!" without delay, and follow through with the next EXPECTED step immediately.  Otherwise, your kids will be in complete control. And just remember that kids honestly do need discipline.

5) You will alternate having bad feelings toward your children and loving them so much it hurts: It's crazy how fast you can go from wanting to pull your hair out, to wanting to cuddle and kiss the crap out of your child. I have had moments where I am literally crazy obsessed heart eyes in love with my child, and right after wanting to run out of the house to escape and get away so I don't SNAP at said child. Just get used to the emotional rollarcoaster because your dealing with little humans that don't know how to navigate their own yet. 

6) You will probably stop listening to music in the car: Listening to music while driving was a must for me, but now I much prefer the crazy conversations and yelling matches I have with my toddler and baby. 

7) You will never really get to just sit down and do your own thing anymore: The days of sitting to read your book, or watch your movie are over my friend... at least until your kids get a little older. 

8) Love is the answer: If everything you do or say is motivated by your love, you are doing everything just the way you need to! 

Goals for May

Things to look forward to in May:

- Mother's day with my family

- Russell finishing up this semester 

- Russell and I taking a trip solo without the kids to St. George 

- Taking Russell to Sin City for the first time in his life

- More sunshine

- Trying to get more fit  

- Memorial Day

- Working on our backyard together as a family

Things to work on: 

- Laughing more

- Not letting my anxiety get the best of me, get rid of the feeling that I need to rush

- Our family bucket-list

- Giving back

- Regular showers (yes this is for me)

- My patience

- My friendships

Things to let go of:

- Guilt

- Negativity

- Anxiety

- Judgements

- Comparsion

What are you looking forward to lately?

Happy May 

St. George Spring Break 2016

Russell was finally out of school for an entire week! As a stay at home mommy I have a love hate relationship with this whole school business taking my man away ;) My parents have a house that they purchased in St. George that they are incredibly generous with and let us kids stay in. Russell and I have been gong through some scary health stuff all revolving around me. I was incredibly thankful when Russell let me know he was planning for us to get away to 70 degree temps. This past month in nearly 3 years is where I haven't been breastfeeding or pregnant, crazy I know! I was so ready to experience a vacation more... free you might say! We were heading down to St. Geezy for our spring break!

Kylie and Colin get along great thankfully and I know that may change, constantly but for now we're happy little clams! Kylie is more high maintenance, definitely on the sensitive side, and needs to be affirmed a lot. Kylie is very similar to my own personality so I have no problems working with that. Colin is chill, energetic, always eating, and loud. Because of my health we didn't go to Zions or snow canyon for more serious hiking. But we had to get out and about with the warmer temps. I honestly love walking and climbing around Dixie rock. Also, we just are the types we have to get outside and move a lot so we did the local playgrounds and splash pad everyday.

I used to think that St. George was a small boring little town (I know awful of me right?) I didn't see it's charm until now. I LOVE the warmth, the refreshing imagery of plam trees and red rocks. I love seeing people being out and active! Basically I've fallen for you St. Geezy, and will always love being able to vacation to you. I've felt content on this trip and was very thankful for the break to just be WITH my man and our two little kids ;)

October 2015

Colin,
You are the apple of our eye. You are the chillest, calmest little dude we could have ever asked for. You honestly only cry if you are hungry or tired. I love your BIG eyes. You have this wide eyed look that just makes me smile when I look at you. You have really started baby talking this week saying things like "mama" and "dada". You can officially roll over from front to back, back to front! We've all been helping you with this sitting up unassisted business, and you're getting there slowly. You light up every time you see your sister, and she can get you to giggle especially when  you both are in the car together.

Kylie,
You are definitely my quintessential little two year old. You are testing your boundaries, seeing how much freedom you can get away with. Mommy and Daddy are both trying to figure out how to let you know there's rules without crushing your little spirit, or making you feel like you're always being told no. We love you so much. I love how most people are impressed with what a good communicator you are. You say full sentences, and even use some Spanish phrases. You love helping out with your "buddy" aka Colin. Can I just say I love you call him buddy!? "It's OK buddy!" "Don't cry buddy" "Good morning buddy!"

Me,
Embarking on a more hands free journey, putting away distractions, especially the phone when the kids are awake. Being fully present in the moments, and making sure that I'm making my children's childhood memories happy ones. I want them to remember a mom who played with them, and wasn't distracted. Also, I'm trying and learning to keep my patience having a full out toddler, some days are easier then others, that's for sure. Loving doing zumba every Friday and working on getting this mama body of mine in shape. TV show obsessions is Mindy Project and Nashville. Reading Gretchen Rubin's (Happiness Project),  Elizabeth Gilbert (Big Magic), and Brene Brown (Rising Strong) books. I miss my hubby when he's doing school + work, but I know this time will pass. Love 100 calorie popcorn bags, any dinner involving spaghetti squash, and my diet coke. General conference was amazing for me and I can't believe it's almost the end of October! ;)