Not often do I get on our blog and post just personal feelings. I have never been a talented writer, and I always worry with longer posts how awful the spelling + grammer will end up being. I hope those who are reading this will be kind and overlook my writing flaws. Tonight I'm home all alone in bed, Kylie is sound asleep in her room next to ours, Russell is working a late shift at the hospital, as he has been this entire fall semester. I'm resting after just barely being sick once more.
I have gotten sick every night but 1 this entire pregnancy. I am just thankful that when the nausea hits it is usually right after I've put Kylie down for bed. Since I was a little girl I hated being sick alone, my mom was amazing at taking care of us when we were sick. Having my man gone during these times is hard for me especially because every time I throw up I so worry if it's affecting the little life growing inside of me. I feel guilt that I'm on week 16 and I haven't kicked this morning sickness yet. They tell you every pregnancy is different, and who would have thunk their right again. I just hope this goes away magically one day haha.
Enough about sickness I bet ya all want to know what little Ms. Kylie has been up to. She is a full blown walker and dancer might I add. She babbles like no one's business, waves like a beauty queen, blows kisses perfectly, with the kiss smacking noise included. She is my best friend. I love chasing her around, dancing with her, running errands with her, and even feeding her (even though she's started to throw food on the ground when she's done...we're working on that one).
I love being a mom. I know being a stay at home mom is what I SHOULD be doing. But man even though I have a little person with me all day I can feel so lonely during these school semesters. It's funny how when we're feeling lonely, etc. thats when the adversary creeps in with his thoughts!? I find myself doubting my worth as a mother, if I really am doing my best with kylie. Makes me doubt if I'm a good enough friend to those I get to call my best friends. Makes me worry about vain things like apperance. Just a bunch of random crazy thoughts to make me basically just doubt my overall worth.
Satan is a nasty bugger that way. Sadly, some days I listen. Some days when those thoughts creep in I don't use that magical gift of the scriptures, or pray to my father who would confirm how worthwhile I really am. I'm ashamed to admit I have days I just wallow in self pity. I'm ashamed of it cuz I KNOW what to do to make that dark cloud over my head go away. As general conference approaches I find myself desiring to fully cast those self pity clouds that come and to be the sun that can shine in others days! General conference I love observing the women. Whether it's the general authorities wives, or members of the primary/ YW/ relief society organizations. Those women have that quality I aspire to. They are women with true self confidence, humility, and kindness. In my quest to become that type of woman. I can't let satan get me down, because he will most definetly try. It's always when we set spiritual goals he sets his "goals" to destroy ours.
If you have been like me and have days you feel worthless read this quote by Dieter F. Uchtdorf's talk was amazing and spoke to me about God's relationship with us: “He is not waiting to love you until you have overcome your weaknesses and bad habits. He loves you today with a full understanding of your struggles. He is aware that you reach up to Him in heartfelt and hopeful prayer. He knows of the times you have held on to the fading light and believed even in the midst of growing darkness. He knows of your sufferings. He knows of your remorse for the times you have fallen short and He still loves you.”
I know that is true for each and every one of us.
