Tuesday, June 13, 2017
Life is tough.... but we got this!
A few weeks back I finally broke my silence and shared on my Facebook that yes I've been struggling, just typing the words were hard for me. I am so prideful guys, like so prideful. I want to be the mom that can and does it all. I like being THAT accomplished, that I can be ALL things without letting it get to me. But it did, it started to get to me. Being alone the majority of the time with my two babies, having my best friend be gone like all the time made me lonely, living out in the boonies made me isolated, and being home, a stay at home mom made me feel invisible to the outside world. I'd "plug in" by instragram and social media but I didn't realize the unrealistic expectations those things were creating for me by browsing them. Guys, I sincerely didn't know that girls PHOTOSHOP their instagram pictures!?! Like what, but it's true, they do. So I was seeing these young fit skinny moms and thought, Man I want to look like that. I started obsessing about the foods I ate, making sure they were whole foods and followed the new trends of clean eating. Then I downloaded myfitnesspal app and started counting calories. And then I started working out. These all would have been fine, if I honestly knew when I needed to let up and not be in diet mode. But I sincerely thought I had a lot of baby weight to lose. I'd see these moms with freaking abs and think okay got to keep going. About a year ago my husband and mom finally convinced me to go into a treatment center for anorexia for 2 weeks. It was the HARDEST 2 weeks of my life! Especially because the two weeks I was there was the longest time I'd ever been away from my children. I talked to them every night on the phone and saw them on the weekends, but it killed me! I was so happy when I came out. I'd put on some weight, which to be honest I wasn't sure about. I went back to reality, back to being a full time mommy. At first I did well, but when things would get stressful, or I'd start to feel lonely I found comfort in being in control of my diet. That's when I realized this wasn't going to be a quick fix like the treatment centers push. I knew that I needed to get a team here at home, that I needed to do the BATTLE at home. This has been the best decision of my recovery. I have the most amazing therapist, and the sweetest dieticen.
I have come to realize that I'm still very much in the road to recovery! I tie so much of my self worth to if I think I look okay body wise. Everyday I have to convince myself that I don't need to diet. Everyday I have to tell myself that people will of course still LOVE me even if I was overweight. Everyday I have to actively IGNORE the summer bikini diet talk that starts to happen everywhere. Everyday I have to tell myself that food is medicine, food gives me ENERGY! One thing that I do wish friends and family would understand that this isn't going to go away with just a couple months stay at a treatment center. After intensive research I discovered most girls that go in there usually have to go back in. They learn to eat, when their being constantly fed and watched over, but once their in their home environments they go right back to old habits. I am a Mom of 2 kids, and just felt like leaving them for more then a month wasn't realistic and didn't feel right. One thing I do believe in, is in my own spiritual intuition. We have to listen to that inner voice that tells us the way we should go.
I guess I'm wanting to say that if you struggle with your weight, please don't make it so important! Don't let Satan get you to fall down that slippery slope. I once heard that the reason Satan want's girls to diet and restrict their food intake is because they lose their periods and lost their chances of getting pregnant..... no more families.... the thing that Satan is HELL bent to destroy! When you start thinking that happiness is in the next diet, is in the next exercise routine please believe me it's not. When I was at my heaviest in high school I always thought that I'd feel SO HAPPY, and so content if I was just skinny. To be honest the skinner I got the more insecure I've felt.
My worth is in being a daughter of God. I am worthy of love and acceptance no matter what I look like! My husband loves me no matter what size I came in, because he's in love with who I am! My children love me for me, I'm their Mommy, and I know they don't judge me. Don't let Satan convince you that all people see is your outer shell cuz it's really not true. I love all you girls and just want to say that I'm still working HARD at unlearning all these damaging self image thoughts too.
Love ya all!